The internet is bursting this week with great things to share on sex and relationships. Following up on the sex education video I posted yesterday, here’s a wonderful article on communication, titled…
Un-memorizing the “silence is sexy” date script.
What a wonderfully radical idea. But I mean, isn’t it strange that this idea is so radical? Women saying yes. It’s not radical because women never want sex or agree to have it, but because the typical “sexy” date script society expects and encourages from us usually involves a man trying whatever he wants and a woman either putting the brakes on, or consenting…by not putting the brakes on. Sound familiar?
We’ve gotten the idea from movies and magazines that silence is sexy. Ultimate romance means fireworks and fairy dust sprinkling down from the heavens and instilling in us some magical intuition where both people suddenly just know what the other wants. Speaking out loud in full sentences would break the rhythm, ruining the mystical thrill of the spontaneous moment. And GOD FORBID you ask permission to do anything. I mean, come on, major boner killer.
Here’s an idea. Give women some agency by pausing now and then and allowing them to say YES and ask for what they want! I swear, it is sexy as hell to give somebody exactly what you know they want, without wondering if you’re guessing wrong.
Silence is only sexy because we like to assume that everybody is on the same page! Imagine how much sexier it would be if you didn’t have to assume, if a woman said, “Yes, please do that. I like that.” To have a woman actively pursue what she wants, and not just passively receive what someone assumes she wants, guarantees more fun and more pleasure for both parties. Just think of all the pornography that depicts women screaming “yes!” Consent is sexy; giving someone what they want is sexy; knowing without a doubt that your partner is satisfied is sexy.
I didn’t realize how much I agreed with this until someone put it into words!
What do you think? Do you talk explicitly with your partner(s) about what you want? Do you wish you didn’t have to talk about it?
You guys, this is GREAT sex education video. Seriously. It uses a musical collaboration analogy to talk about sex in a sensible way, and to put to pasture the BS ideas about sex our society has provided us with. I can’t recommend it enough!
Give it a watch.
There was an excellent article in the Guardian on Monday making a positive case for premarital sex and rebutting the myriad silly arguments against it. I don’t have anything to add to the article – the author hits all of the relevant points. Just give it a look.
People who are familiar with my blog know that I’m very sex-positive. So imagine how happy I was when a real-world friend of mine – kickass singer/musician/dancer Carsie Blanton – wrote a blog post about women who like sex. Here’s an excerpt:
I like sex. A lot. I don’t like it because it’s all about love, or because it’s some kind of spiritual journey for me. I like it, mostly, because it’s just so dang fun. Because it makes me feel alive, and it allows me to share that aliveness with other people. Because it helps me to learn things about my body and mind and heart that I otherwise wouldn’t. In other words, I like sex for the same reasons I like music and dance: it is a joyful, playful, fun, surprising way to connect with people, and to explore the human experience.
Hell yeah! Do read the rest.
I’m still trying to catch up on some links I’ve been meaning to share. Here’s two for today:
I’ve been thoroughly enjoying (and learning from) Valerie Tarico’s blog, Away Point. By her own description, she writes on the “intersection between religious belief, psychology and politics.” Her posts shed light on the religious underpinnings of misogyny and opposition to sex and contraception in the United States (by our own elected representatives!) She often couples these analyses with straight-up factual information about contraception and reproductive health – something that many Americans get too little of. There is a post in particular that is chock full of information that probably everyone should know, regarding what contraception is available, how it can benefit us as a society, and what groups (church, political, medical, etc.) have a vested interest in keeping us less-than-informed on these matters. Check it out:
15 Things Old Boys like Rick Santorum Don’t Want You to Know About Your Body and Your Contraception
On a related note: battles over contraception are often actually about sexual morals and sexual permissiveness. The Religious Right wants to limit access to contraception and abortion facilities because they want to limit what we do in the bedroom. One of the best arguments against such a view – aside from the fact that it is a baseless and meritless moral system – is that trying to control people’s sexuality actually makes society worse. The data shows that social conservatism contributes to higher rates of teen pregnancy, abortion, and STDs. Many countries that are more sexually permissive than the United States have much lower rates of these problems. See for yourself:
5 Countries that do it better: How sexual prudery makes America a less healthy and happy place
Here is the tribute to Christopher Hitchens that was shown at the Global Atheist Convention last weekend.
One of the things I loved about Hitch was his ability to pick out the precise facts from science and history that demonstrate why a particular religious belief is so absurd. He gets to the heart of the matter, every time. You’ll see lots of that in this video.
Here’s a documentary I’d love to see get made! (And I can certainly identify with the sentiment expressed in the title…)
Jesus, Don’t Let Me Die Before I’ve Had Sex
This will be:
a feature-length documentary examining the sexual teachings of the Evangelical Church and exploring the undercurrent of idealism that leaves many people feeling frustrated and confused. Told in an honest and fair fashion, the movie will paint a picture of what is taught explicitly and implicitly by showing how churchgoers react to those teachings through anecdotes of first kisses, chastity rallies and secret obsessions. Along side these stories will be interviews of pastors reflecting on their own teachings, as well historians and sociologists diagramming the evolution of sexual teaching in the Church.
It sounds like a candid look at how teens being raised in evangelical christian households react to the idea that they must wait until their wedding day to have sex. We already know that most do not wait, but it would be interesting to hear evangelical teens’ thoughts on the matter, and how they decided that following this particular prescription either was or wasn’t for them.
They’re trying to raise funds for the documentary on Kickstarter. Consider helping out if you like the idea.
Filed under Religion, Sex